Dawn with her new baby

Q. Dearest Dawn,

I am an avid reader of your column. I am Regina, 32, mother of a 3-year-old girl named Phoebe. I was married at 19 but it took me nine long years before I got pregnant with Phoebe. In those 9 years, I had six miscarriages. I have an autoimmune disorder, anti-phospholipid antibody syndrome (APAS), level 2 and 5.

Because of this, I feel that I am more protective of Phoebe. I am an OC [obsessive-compulsive] mom. My pedia once teased me that I get crazy over little things. Dawn, you are a mother too, and I cannot imagine how much you love your little boy. When should a mother stop and reassess herself? I feel I am spoiling Phoebe so much. I give her everything she wants. But, there are times that I feel guilty that she might one day turn into a B-R-A-T, Please help me! Can you give me some tips on what I should do so little Phoebe could enjoy a little freedom and fun.

Sincerely yours,
Ma. Regina V. Santos

Hi Regina! We have several things in common. I also have APAS and even Anti Nuclear Antibody (ANA). These are disorders that pose problems to women who want to become pregnant. They cause reproductive infertility in women by making their bodies a hostile environment for an embryo to thrive in.

It also took me a very long time to become pregnant, and I didn’t know while waiting to become pregnant that I had reproductive immune problems all along. So, my husband and I also went through a battery of tests and fertility programs in the hope that we would bite the bug – to no avail. Until seven years later when we tried once again, and lo and behold, heaven’s gates opened – we were pregnant!

It was just a good thing I had gone to see the right doctor this time. Instead of choosing a regular OBGYNE, I opted for a fertility expert who specialized in high-risk pregnancies. This decision helped us save my son, Jacobo.

To the readers who don’t have a full picture of what treatment is like for the woman suffering from a reproductive immune problem, the journey goes like this: it is anywhere from six to nine months of daily Heparin injections on the tummy (to help the anti-coagulation of blood so nutrients would flow better to the fetus), Progesterone injections on the rear end (to help assist hormones that support the pregnancy), weekly blood tests, ultrasound tests, and a number of vitamins and steroid tablets to drink.

There is also IVIG, and intra-veinous treatment (much like what cancer patients undergo when doing chemo-therapy) that the mother needs on a monthly basis depending on how well her anti-nuclear cells do on the pregnancy course. Add to that is how watching a fetus grow in your womb and witnessing each and every milestone or set-back can either be exciting or nerve-wracking.

What APAS or ANA women endure just so they can have their precious babies is incredible. And that’s not even counting the financial costs for these treatments. It can really leave holes in your pocket.

Having gone through all that, I completely empathize with you. When I was still carrying my child in the womb, I pondered on how these fears would get hold of me when my son starts to become active. I tried to imagine what it would be like if I became too soft on him – and the worst of my fears appeared.

You asked me when should a mother stop to reassess herself, I say everyday. Everyday I get up and say my prayers for the protection of my loved ones, especially my children; and most of all I pray that I may be enlightened on the proper and most responsible way to raise them. Then I leave the rest to God.

I am aware of the dangers of smothering my child and the fear of him ending up a grown man with little or no confidence in his strengths and decisions because I overpowered them while he was a child would be a big blow. Or worse, what if he turned into an abusive son because I let him have his way far too much as a child? Now, that’s freaky.

How do you ease up? That largely depends on one’s temperament and disposition. I would advise you to read up on books about parenting, to discover the nuances of healthy child-rearing. What helps for me is learning and observing from other mothers. I share my thoughts and fears with friends who also had difficult pregnancies. It helps us relax a bit, take stock and take a deep breath. Because yes, the tendency to become obsessive compulsive is there; but our desire to succeed in proper parenting is stronger.

Also try thinking ahead and visualizing how your daughter will cope once she’s all grown up. When she falls and scrapes her knee, you just bite your lip with all your might to bring your scream to a standstill. Then, calmly tell her it’s not the end of her world.

Children need a healthy dose of exposure. Sending them straight into a plastic bubble will only increase their potential to becoming overly fearful. Try to imagine how she should cope when you’re gone. She should learn how to fend for herself even with you gone.

But these essential things can only be taught best by mothers who aren’t nervous themselves. Your child will pick up on that. They have a sharp sense about these things. They can tell if we’re unsure about whether or not it’s fine to have another candy before supper. I cannot tell you how agonizing it is to stifle a scream at the sight of a cockroach because my husband warned me of Jacobo becoming too prissy.

We as parents are charged with the task to bring out the best in our children. Our dream is to raise them good and to give them all the positive qualities that we lack. And of course, it’s not a painless task.

I still encourage you, Regina, to go beyond your own trauma and do the best thing for both you and your daughter. Just remember that you’re not alone. There are many like you who go through problems like this.But we must try. The future of our children rests in our hands.