Finds alone time in between with Jacobo

Dear Ms. Dawn,

Lilibeth E. Eucapor-Cortez

Thank you for following my bi-monthly column, Lilibeth!

When a girlfriend of mine returned to her job at an ad agency, the conversation with other new moms in the office invariably turned to guilt. Even if her daughter was at home with her husband and she loved her job, she still felt pangs of guilt. The men in her workplace didn’t get it. “You’re providing for your family,” they said. But the moms understood. This spawned many ‘Working-Moms-Against-Guilt’ blogs that you can come across on the Net.

Give yourself a break, Lilibeth. The wrenching guilt is always going to be there, but there are several ways to deal with it. Finding a sounding board is one. Friends and even blogs have been a huge help to me, and I work part-time only. Just knowing that there are other women in the same boat, with the same struggles always helps, because it puts everything into perspective. Our husbands, too, often serve as a reality checker.

Another thing you can do is to find a balance, which is what I have resorted to. Another friend of mine used to have a 60-hour-a-week job, but after she had her third child, she left that job and worked for a company with a more flexible schedule. So she’s home a day and a half during the workweek. She loves her work and she wouldn’t want to give it up entirely.

I, on the other hand, have been idealistic about my work hours. Even though our film & TV industry has not changed some of its practices such as keeping workers on long and grueling 24-hour (sometimes even more) taping days, I’ve made it a point to only accept roles that allow me to work for 15 to 18 hours max. If I didn’t stipulate this sort of arrangement, I’d be a vegetable all week and just wouldn’t be able to fulfill my first function— being a mother & wife.

Your work as a lawyer is demanding, it’s true. But perhaps you still have the weekends off? I think it’s what you do together with your kids when they have you all to themselves that leaves a lasting memory, more than your absences.

And as for your toddler, it’s normal for them at their age to become attached to another caregiver when the parents are away. This happened to me when I accepted long hours of TV work when my son was just 6 months old. When I’d come home and he’d only want to be carried by his yaya, my heart bled.

But don’t take it personally because by the time he is 3 or 4 years old, he’d recognize his main caregiver – and that’s you! At the end of the day, you tell yourself the five things you did that your kids loved. You do the best you can and ignore the rest.

Lastly – and this is true for all these guilt trips – accept the feeling and move on. Don’t let it bring you down. Take a deep breath and repeat after me: “My kids don’t need me to play with them for hours.” Now go hug them and tune out your guilt– at least for today.